It's time once again for my PETA Files feature: our Vivisector of the Month contest. Every month, I read up on two of our nation's most vile vivisectors and let you, our dear readers, decide on who is the worst by voting.

Before we begin, I would like to congratulate Michael Weed at Johns Hopkins, who won last month's contest by a landslide. May he forever be recognized for his brilliant work creating a primate crack house—complete with residents infected with the simian form of HIV. Bravo!

What will 17 packs of cigarettes a day do to a monkey? Just ask Marina Picciotto!
CC / My Barina

This month's all-girl lineup will be a very tough call, as both vivisectors torture monkeys, mice, and rats. Who you pick will reflect what you think is worse: being tortured like a prisoner of war until your desire for freedom is crushed or being an adolescent alcoholic with no mother to cry to? Please choose wisely!

New Haven, Connecticut, local and Yale professor Marina Picciotto spends her days hidden away in a university laboratory, drugging and tormenting monkeys, mice, and rats—often with the aid of your federal tax dollars! Her chemicals of choice include nicotine, cocaine, morphine, and alcohol—all of which she either feeds or injects into animals before scoring them on bizarre "behavioral assessments," sometimes with the stated goal of making them suffer.

In one study, Picciotto measured despair in mice by making them swim in pools of water with no resting platform or by hanging them from their tails with tape. For each group, despair was measured by how little they were still willing to struggle for self-preservation. In another study, she bored holes into rats' skulls so that she could directly inject chemicals into their brains; she then decapitated the animals and froze their heads. In yet another study, this time on learned helplessness, she exposed mice to 360 inescapable shocks.

Her most stunning experiment involved giving monkeys Kool-Aid mixed with liquid nicotine as a sole source of fluid, with the amount of nicotine ingested by one monkey nearly reaching the equivalent of smoking 17 packs of cigarettes per day. Picciotto conducted this experiment to determine how long one should wait after ingesting nicotine before brain imaging is done, despite the fact that researchers went on to take brain images of human smokers in another experiment that could have provided information without caging and drugging monkeys.

Winston-Salem, North Carolina, resident and Wake Forest assistant professor Allyson Bennett is known for her egregious cruelty to monkeys, but she has also dabbled in torturing rats and mice, making her a great match for Picciotto. Lucky for Bennett, Wake Forest now houses nearly 1,500 monkeys and receives loads of federal funding, so she's unlikely to run out of victims to torment or cash flow to drive her operations.

A queen of seemingly pointless research, Bennett has deprived rats of food for up to two days to observe their consequent behavior in an arena of both food and nonfood objects. To her surprise, food deprivation led animals to come in increased contact with food, despite also inspecting nonfood items out of curiosity. This genius study was funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and conducted at an NIH Animal Center.

In another study, she took baby monkeys away from their mothers and forced them to grow up without parents—causing them emotional distress just so that she could see how this affected right- or left-hand preference. She's even broken new ground in the research world by investigating whether or not adolescent binge-drinking might be bad for you—if you happen to be a monkey, that is.

Will it be Miss Mouse Depression or the Mistress of Starvation? Leave a comment to let me know!

Gordon Ewy
uanews / CC

Time for another installment of my favorite PETA Files feature: Vivisector of the Month. I like to take a little time each month to step back, look at two of the country's most vile vivisectors, and let you, our dear readers, vote on which one is the most hideous.

First and foremost, I'd like to congratulate Jason Cromer, who won last month's contest by a single vote. I'm so happy to see that the competition was heated last month, and I hope that you'll agree that this month's contestants are equally well matched.

If you love word association, then you're certain to love the conveniently named Michael Weed. His interests include alcohol, morphine, cocaine, ecstacy, and the simian equivalent of HIV (Simian Immunodeficiency Virus, or SIV). And he generously bestows all these wonderful gifts on his monkey friends, who can't fight back.

In one particularly gruesome study funded by the National Institutes of Health, Weed trained monkeys in a basic motor task, infected them with SIV, then checked how they performed the task—while on cocaine. He has also studied SIV in monkeys without going the extra mile of giving them cocaine. One time, for example, he assessed 10 monkeys' performances on memory tests before and after they were infected with SIV. He concluded that his findings matched what was already known from human AIDS patients. Brilliant work, Weed! Even if he'd made stunning new conclusions, would it mean that we should start giving cocaine to people with HIV or that we should warn people with HIV that the white stuff ain't the right stuff?

In another hideous and meaningless study, Weed decided to create opiate dependence in monkeys by giving them a tasty orange-flavored drink spiked with morphine every six hours for several months. Monkey-lovers and M.A.D.D. members alike, please vote for Michael Weed!

If you ever find a pig in cardiac arrest and need to perform CPR, Gordon Ewy would be the man to call. Occupying an endowed chair and serving as director of the University of Arizona's Sarver Heart Center, Ewy has dedicated much of his life to saving pigs' lives (for a brief while, anyway)—after he induces cardiac arrest in them via asphyxiation or other methods.

Ewy's heart-stopping modus operandi typically involves letting his victims sit at a cardiac standstill for eight minutes or more before trying to resuscitate them via different combinations of "chest compressions and assisted ventilation" (i.e., experimental CPR). The success of his methods is measured by the number of pigs who survive, and the number of surviving pigs who retain full brain function after their near-death experiences. In one particularly revealing experiment, Ewy assessed whether chest compressions using stacked hands or side-by-side hands would significantly affect survival. Lo and behold, they did not.

Who will you vote for? Weed, for his extensive work at creating a nonhuman primate crack house, or Ewy, for his life-threatening, "lifesaving" work on pigs? Leave a comment to let me know!

Posted by Sean Conner