ninemsn / CC

Word on the street is that our old pal Madonna is getting geared up to adopt an Indian baby to comfort her in her dotage. While the prospect of a fur-flaunting Ciccone clone wreaking havoc on the animal world some years down the line is too dreadful to imagine, we’re taking a more optimistic approach: This kid’s going to need a whole lot of extra energy to put up with mom’s pop star antics, so we’re asking Madonna to give her a head start by adopting not only the child but the child’s country’s preferred way of eating: a healthy, high-energy vegetarian diet. Just one word from Lady Madonna and we’ll dispatch our on-staff chef to London on the Red Eye to give her kitchen staff a crash course in how to prepare mashed peas and carrots and fruit compote for the kid and fabulous vegan fare, including Shepherd’s pie and Eggplant Biryani for the rest of the family.

So whaddaya say, Madge? We’ll even pony up some names for your new animal-friendly progeny that will go well with that whole spiritual, neo-hippie vibe you’ve got going on. I’m thinking something like Chickpea Ciccone. Or how about Ethereal Girl? If anyone else has some suggestions, feel free to weigh in.

Here's another classic for you, from a few years back. I've often heard people make the point that no one would wear fur if they were able to see that draping yourself in dead babies is barbaric, regardless of the species. Of course, only at PETA can you make that point in a meeting and end up with a "baby" fur coat by the end of the day. Yup. The handsome model in luxury baby trim is my friend Pulin. And the expressions on those people's faces are priceless.

Did you know that this is Be Kind to Animals Week?� Well, it is. So each day this week I’m going to do one entry dedicated to simple, easy things we can all do in our everyday lives to help animals.

Today I want to talk a bit about wildlife. Spring is a particularly important time of year for wildlife because that’s when baby birds are learning to fly and other animals are just learning their way around, so it’s super important to know what to do if you come across any of these little guys that appear to need help. It happens more often than you’d think. In fact, not a day goes by that we don’t get numerous calls from people all over the country who have stepped in to help wildlife in their area.

I’ll admit that this topic was kind of new to me. In fact, all I really knew was the whole thing about “if you touch a baby bird her mother won’t take her back into the nest because she will smell like a human,” which I learned is totally false anyway. So I guess I knew absolutely nothing useful about the topic beforehand! Luckily we’ve got a great online guide that will help you determine if the animals actually need help, and if so, what you should do and what supplies you need to help them.

The thing that most surprised me is that more often than not (unless the animal is in imminent danger), the right thing to do if you do come across any baby animals who may need some help is to take a wait and see approach to “rescuing” them. Often, Mom and Dad are nearby and the best thing to do is usually to leave the animals alone and let their parents take care of them.

Anyway, check out the guide, it’s great info, and of course, if you have any questions, you can always give us a shout.